It's been awhile

This day and this image reminds me of sitting on the boat feeling the breeze, breathing in the mountain air and worrying about nothing. I found a place of perfect peace in the mountains of California. This place, however was fleeting, a week later we are back home with all of the same worries and problems that I was trying to forget in the mountains, so began my search and so came my answer.





I have for a great deal of my life labeled myself a Christian, however a few years ago I became tired of the label and the work it entailed so I dropped it. With that I dropped a hedge of faith, love and protection from a higher place that can not be explained in words. I found I could be happy, but joy was not to be obtained. I learned the world is not as evil as I always thought and believe it or not there are non-Christians that are much more well rounded than Christians. However, in my heart the joy that disappeared was missed, maybe not all the time, but still missed. I started searching, unknowingly, through the confines of my heart to find peace and joy but it just wouldn't come.





I took advantage of the counseling service offered at work and against my wishes ended up in the office of not only a Christian counselor, but a Christian minister. She respected my wishes to stay away from faith based search and stick with all the things wrong with me, but the more I talked I realized the only time I felt truly broken and hurting was when I spoke of my lost faith.





Alone on Christmas Eve this year I prayed for the first time, joy didn't come however, sorrow did. I then regretted my decision to pray and seek God, it hurt too much. I don't want to be raw, I want to be strong and tough, but I still yearn for that peace I heard about and at one time in my life experienced.





I'm closer, I feel it, I am raw, I am hurt, I am damaged, however, I am loved......unconditionally.





My journey to peace and joy is never going to be complete, however, I feel more at peace everyday. I am stepping out on faith again, something I haven't done in a very long time. Simple tasks that were second nature to me are now brand new. I am a new creation and I am scared and sometimes feel very alone, however, never completely alone. I suddenly feel the pain of suppressed memories and heartaches, but it is the kind of pain I know is necessary to be at peace and know joy.





I want to find my place with God, as a new person and a new creation. I am not saying I have cornered the market on who God is or that I am the expert, I am only saying this is what I know to be true.





My hearts cry is to know joy and peace and through this I am continually reminded of Isaiah 41:10"Fear thou not for I am with thee, be not dismayed for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee, yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."